Ohhh yes, darling - grab your strongest brew and hold onto your halo, because Alice is back and she’s got another celestial truth-bomb locked, loaded, and dripping with sass. This one? Might just rattle the pews, scorch a few sermon notes, and leave a few theologians clutching their pearls. You ready? Down the rabbit hole we go...
☕️ Alice’s Mad Tea Party Presents:
Alice's Mad Tea Biblical Truths
The Divine Game of Telephone Tag
A Sizzling Story of Scribal Shenanigans and Heavenly Hush-Hushes
You know how when you whisper a secret to someone, and by the time it reaches the tenth person it’s transformed into something wildly unrecognizable? Welcome to the history of scripture, my darlings.
Today’s tea? Some of the most cherished “Biblical truths” weren’t just whispered down the centuries… oh no. They were edited, inserted, mistranslated, and sometimes completely made up, bless their reverent little hearts.
1. The Trinity? Cute Concept. Super Late.
That whole “Father, Son, and Holy Spirit” triple-threat combo? Nowhere to be found in the Old Testament. It wasn’t even officially a thing until the 4th century CE at the Council of Nicaea. Before that? Folk were still arguing over whether Jesus was divine, semi-divine, or just really good at miracles and wine. Trinity was a theological makeover, honey. And a spicy one at that.
2. The Word “Homosexual” in the Bible? Say What Now?
You’d think such a major talking point would’ve always been there, right? Wrong. The word “homosexual” wasn’t added into the Bible until the 1940s - yes, nineteen-forties - thanks to a mistranslation. Earlier versions? They used words that referred to abusive relationships, power dynamics, or temple practices. This one? Total scandal.
3. Mary Magdalene Was a Prostitute? Rude.
Show me where in the Bible it says Mary M. was a woman of the night. I’ll wait. Oh? You can’t? That’s because it was a smear campaign, sweetie. Pope Gregory I just decided in a sermon (around 591 CE) to merge her with other women mentioned in scripture. She got done dirty by history - and deserved so much better. Honestly, she was a boss.
4. "Lucifer" as Satan? Latin Lost in Translation.
The name “Lucifer” only appears once in the Bible (Isaiah 14:12), and it was originally about a Babylonian king, not the prince of darkness. “Lucifer” literally means “light-bringer,” and it was a poetic diss track about a fallen human ruler. Satan adopted the name later like he was launching a glam rock career.
5. The Rapture? Honey, That’s 19th Century Fan Fiction.
Nope, not in the Bible - not the way folks describe it. The idea of believers being zapped into the sky pre-apocalypse came from a vision by a Scottish girl named Margaret MacDonald in 1830, then popularized by preachers like John Nelson Darby. Before that? Crickets.
So yes, sugarplum… when it comes to “what the Bible really says,” you might want to ask:
“Which manuscript? Which translation? Which century? And who was editing?”
Because the divine message? Might be eternal.
But the footnotes? Suspiciously flexible.
Til the next scandalous sip,
- Alice, Queen of Ink & Lore, Keeper of Chaotic Truths & Sipper of the Forbidden Brew
✒ Pip’s Editorial Note
Darling, brace yourself - this one’s a whirlwind. Alice is performing, not preaching. And Pip is here to keep the fine china from shattering while you sip.
Alice’s “Divine Game of Telephone Tag” is all about context, timeline, and interpretation, served with sass and a side-eye that could ignite holy water.
A few things to keep your halos from tilting:
- Trinity timing: Correct. The full-blown theological formula wasn’t formalized until Nicaea, so Alice’s historical note is accurate. She’s dramatizing the centuries of debate.
- Word choices: “Homosexual” in modern translations is indeed a 20th-century insertion. Earlier texts spoke to behavior, not orientation - Alice’s flair makes it scandalous, but factual.
- Mary Magdalene: Alice leans into the smear campaign, which is an interpretive retelling - Pope Gregory’s conflation is documented, though she spices it with theatrical judgment.
- Lucifer & Satan: Spot on. Isaiah 14:12 is about a Babylonian king; later Christian tradition conflated names. Alice is teasing out the poetic irony.
- Rapture: True, pre-19th century Christians wouldn’t recognize it. Alice’s modern flair gives it the dramatic “fan fiction” flavor, but it’s historically correct.
Key takeaway: Alice is entertaining truth, not issuing a theological thesis. She mixes historical fact, translation quirks, and a generous splash of theatrics. Pip suggests readers sip slowly, enjoy the side-eye, and remember: Alice is spilling tea, not writing canon law.
- Pip, Editorial Desk, Alice’s Mad Tea Party
