Ah, Robin Hood, that charming outlaw! But what happens when Alice, the Mad Queen, gets her hands on this legend?

♤

Alice Spills the Tea:

The Real Darker Truth of Robin Hood and His Merry Men

(Clink, clink, clink.) The spoon taps against her teacup, the steam rising in swirling curls. Alice, with her wild eyes and manic grin, stirs the concoction in her cup. "Oh, my little dears," she purrs, a wicked gleam dancing in her eyes. "Gather 'round, gather 'round... It’s time to rip apart that sweet little story of Robin Hood, and let’s see if your hearts can still beat after this, hmm?"

She pauses for a moment, eyeing her roses, then with a mischievous cackle, she begins.

So, there was this so-called hero, called Robin Hood, yes? A man with a heart of gold, robbing the rich to give to the poor. But let me ask you this, my darlings - who decided who’s rich and who’s poor? Hmm?

Robin, with his handsome face and his band of merry men, was no saint. Oh, no, he was a puzzle of contradictions.

You see, Robin didn’t just rob the rich. No, no. He played them. Like a cat playing with its food.

He’d sneak into the castles and take all that gold - yes, the very gold those pesky peasants were starving for - but was it all for the people?

Oh, darling, no.

Robin Hood had plans. He had schemes. You didn’t think he was just some bumbling outlaw, did you?

He was after something much greater - power.

Oh yes, Robin wasn’t giving to the poor because he cared.

He was collecting souls.

People owed him.

He made them owe him.

Each stolen coin, each bit of loot he gave to the peasantry? It came at a price. His merry men? Pawns. His village? A collection of debts to be paid. You think you know the story? You don’t. Not yet.

His true weapon?

That charming smile of his, the one that made you think he was your friend, that he was your savior.

But look a little closer.

Go ahead. Look.

You’ll see that behind the glint of his eyes - there’s something darker, something twisted. Robin Hood, my darlings, was playing the game of thrones before it was even a thing.

Now, you know what really makes me laugh?

This little thing they call “Sherwood Forest.” Do you really think that’s where all the magic was?

Pfft!

That forest was just a stage for Robin's puppet show. His show.

That’s where he played his little games - against the evil sheriff of Nottingham, of course. But did you ever wonder - who created the villain? Who’s to say the Sheriff didn’t have a reason? Who’s to say Robin wasn’t the villain in disguise?

It wasn’t a war between good and evil, my little pumpkins. Oh no.

It was just another show for Robin to steal the spotlight. And when the Sheriff finally found out... Well, let’s just say, Robin wasn’t prepared for the real game. And for the record, dear little Robin never did learn how to live without his gold, did he?

The lesson he was supposed to teach? A lie. A clever, well-spun lie.

But that’s how legends go, right?

They take a little truth and mix it with enough sugar to make you believe it’s all sweet. Well, I’m here to tell you, darling - Robin Hood wasn’t some lovable rogue. Nope. He was a master manipulator who played everyone for fools.

And as for that little “love story” with Lady Marian? Oh, my dear, don’t get me started. That was just another pawn in his grand game. She wasn’t in love with him, no, no... She was in love with the power he could give her. In the end, she knew what Robin never did - how to control the game, not just play it.

Oh dear, how the mighty fall...

(Clink, clink, clink.) Alice gives the teacup a final stir, her grin widening as the steam rises in thick clouds. "You see, my dears, Robin Hood was a fraud, and all those merry men? Oh, they were just playing their part in the grand illusion. Now, who wants another cup of tea? Or perhaps... another story?"

Alice, Queen of Ink & Lore
Weaver of Truth, Lies, and Stories

🖋 Editorial Note from Pip, Assistant to the Mad Tea Mistress

Robin Hood is one of England’s most famous folk tales, with origins stretching back to oral storytelling in the medieval period. Over the centuries, the story was reshaped to emphasize heroism, loyalty, and noble rebellion, softening or omitting many darker, more morally ambiguous elements.

Alice, Queen of Ink & Lore, has chosen to retell this tale without those comforting sugarcoats. In her version, Robin’s cleverness masks ambition and manipulation, and the so-called Merry Men are more than mere companions - they are tools in a long, calculated game. History and folklore often favor those who survive, or those who leave behind the most palatable stories. Alice reminds readers that the truth can be far messier.

Read carefully, dear mortals: legends are rarely as sweet as they are served, and even heroes have shadows that refuse to vanish.